Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I know that I have put on quite a bit of weight and have extreme difficulty excepting that but yet I do not want to be defined by a number. So I continue to stay away from the scale. Is it good or bad I don't know but I do not want to react with extreme diet measures that is NOT how I want to live my life. I have to admit I am frustrated. So I sit with my thoughts which is difficult .
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
She left as I strived to become something I thought I needed to be. She left with no explanation and I was confused about her departure. I never truly thought about it and what it really meant by her sudden disappearance. She symbolized a healthy body. Not a body that began to shut down normal function because of it low body fat status. She was much smarter than I gave her credit for. She sensed famine and knew there was no way that she could support it. So she left not to return for a long time, waiting in the shadows for a healthier time.
I have work hard to try to become a healthy me and she must have also sensed that I have made great strides in achieving that because she returned in all her glory. Have I missed her? I not like this...
Off for the midol and heating pad....
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Definition of PUNISH
a : to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation b : to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation
a : to deal with roughly or harshly b : to inflict injury on : hurt
: to inflict punishment
— pun·ish·abil·i·ty\ˌpə-nish-ə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
— pun·ish·able\ˈpə-nish-ə-bəl\ adjective
— pun·ish·er noun
Was I really punishing myself? And the hardest question yet was why? I have yet to come up with the answer but I do want to find it. I do believe that once this question is answered I can finally begin to have peace with who I am.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I have never been a runner and never had much desire to do so. Cardio was cardio and that is all it has been for me. But could it be something different?
Many of you may not know my story and I am hoping to tell it soon on my blog along with photos. Anyway... about five years ago I had a normal fall on the ice with devastating results. I feel and broke my patella(kneecap). I never ever thought it a millions years that I would be able to run on it. I have done interval training most of the time not pushing the knee to much. But the last few days I have been attempting to run on it. I have not yet attempt pavement and not sure how the knee will do with that. I have been running on the treadmill and am working toward being able to do a 5K on the treadmill with out stopping. I also plan on attempting to run on the pavement. I am considering doing this Saturday. I have been wearing my knee brace for the longer amounts of time running with out stopping and that seems to be helping a lot.
So this week I am attempting to run 1.5 miles with out stopping three times this week. I made my first attempt on Tuesday and it went well. I was able to set the pace on the treadmill for a 10 minute mile and was able to complete it in a little over 15 minutes. Was it easy? Oh heck no several times during the run I wanted to stop and tell myself that I couldn't do it but I keep at it and felt good when I complete it.
So the my ultimate goal: to run a 5K without stopping in under 30 minutes. But I must be patient and kind to myself and take it slow and easy and see how the knee does. There is a 5K that my son's girlfriend is organizing and I thought that might be a great thing to shoot for. It will be held some time in the spring so I have plenty of time to work on it.
Have any of you done a 5K? How was it? How did you prepare for it? I am eager to hear from you .
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Food continues to control me and my exercise habit take priority above almost anything. I feel like I am on the roller coaster that keeps me spinning and I always return to the same spot.
It saddens me to think that at the age of 45 that I have yet to discover what so many others have: Self love and acceptance.
I say that I want it but I some time avoid like the plague. What would happen if I truly accepted and loved myself? What would my time be spent doing if I could not obsess about my weight and what I choose to put into my body?
I continue to read blog that inspire me and I hope will help me continue to keep fighting. Fighting for acceptance, love and peace.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"In a Jiffy Spelt veggie burgers" I just love these and I like having a supply in the freezer at all times. I had two of them both put one slice of ezekiel bread with homemade tomato paste and spinach, YUM! I also had a big side salad. I cooked up some cabbage but decided not to eat it and save it for another day. I am really trying to focus more on veggies as my main stable for dinners and everything else a smaller side. I had to share what I made Friday night for dinner.
Fabulous. I packed up a few cold pieces for a quick lunch at the football game. I love cold pizza. Of course I fed the "meat" eater a italian sausage pizza. He was quite delighted. Still trying to find our happy medium for the meater eater and nonmeater.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tonight I made a spicy tofu rueben sandwich...
Doesn't it look devine? It was ezekiel toasted bread, tofu fried into brown and crispy.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
This past weekend I saw a recipe from Heather for Seitan. I cooked it up and it has sat in my refrigerator every since. I had no idea what to do with and I have to admit I was scared to try it. But I decided to do it tonight.
I have a recipe for Mongolian Beef and I thought it was a perfect way to hide it from my husband.
I started of by cutting up the seitan in to beef type slices and coating it with cornstarch.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I got all teary eyed as we drove a way.
My husband and I have raised two wonderful children but damn do I miss them. Anyone who is reading this and has kids at home, enjoy every minute you have because before you know they will be gone. Don't get me wrong I am glad that I have raised very independent children but it still does not make the heartache go away.
I woke up early this morning and wanted to make a few things for her to take back with her. I had attempted to make pitas before and it was a big FAIL but I was determined that I would get it right. So I decided to try again. I put them on my pizza stone instead this time. I put the first pita on the stone in a 500 degree oven for 4-5 minutes. I crossed my fingers and waited.
When I opened the oven this is what I found.....
Friday, August 13, 2010
Something happen yesterday, that I will not go into, that aroused these emotions inside of me. It was so powerful that it scared me and I didn't know what to do with. Of course there was a lot of crying on the way to work and a few texts search for someone that might be awake at 7:00 am to lend a listening ear.
These emotions only caused me to eat quite a bit when I finally returned home. I know this and have much work to fix the emotional scar so deeply embedded inside of me. Could I beat myself up about the food I ate? Sure but it will not serve me well with all the pain I am feeling. I have gained control of the eating but now I must be kind to myself and learned to calm the pain inside of me. Until I do that I will never truly be free.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I always pick out my clothes the night before so that I am less stress in the morning. I do get up at 4:30 and head to the gym, come home shower, get ready, eat breakfast and head out the door by a little after 7:00. So this does help me.
I picked out my outfit and when I went to put on the pants they did not fit well at all. In the past this would have sent me for a loop with crying and beating myself. But this morning was different. I took them off got another pair that fit and started my day. I had to remind myself that those pants fit me at a weight that may not necessarily but a good weight for me. I have to continue to trust myself and my body to know what that it is. It may not be a weight or size that I like but one that will be doable that I can live with.
I continue to learn to trust and believe it myself and I know with each day I will become stronger and more self confident by doing so. I truly have come a long way!
Keep believe in yourself!
Have you tried on clothes that once fit and now are to small? How did you react? Have you come to peace with your body?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Chocolate Yogurt Popsicle I found this on someone blog. I read so many sometimes I forget where I get the recipes from. But this is quite delicious and with the heat that last few days it has been quite refreshing.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
This is SO good. It is 2 tablespoons light sour cream, 2 tablespoons avocado, dash of cumin, chili powder, salt and 1/2 teaspoon of lime juice.
I saw it on Tina's blog awhile back and this is the second time I have made it. The flavor combination is so different and I really didn't think I would like it but it is quite tasty. The recipe is from Real Simple It is a combination of shredded apples, carrots, raisins ,cumin, cilantro. Check it out. After I cleaned up dinner, I had soaked a bag of pinto beans during the day today so I threw them in the crock pot with an onion and will cook them over night. We have friends coming for dinner this weekend and I thought I would serve up some beans with our Mexican meal.
I came home and took my shower. When I came downstairs to dry my hair I found this wonderful note on the counter....
Put a smile on my face and made the day so much brighter! Did I say I have a great husband? He has seen me and my worst and at my best and still loves me deeply.
I finished getting ready and remember I had something in the refrigerator waiting for me for breakfast? Did you guess what it was? I bet you thought it was over night oats? Well I guess it kind of is. Look at this beauty.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
and exercise daily. This might mean that I may not look like a person that could pose for a fitness magazine and I am ok with that. I have come SO far and I have nothing to be ashamed of.. I have begun to stop beating myself up about trying to be thinner, toner, leaner.... For what? In the end I will always be Kathi a wonderful, loving and caring person that will never change no matter what my outside looks like. I will love my body and myself.
I have realized how much I have missed posting about the wonderful food I have been eating and so it returns.......
I like to pack my lunch for work the night before so this is where I will begin. I had bought some wonderful baby strawberries and blue berries so I made a delicious container of sweetness.
I thought I would try to use up some stuff in the refrigerator so I threw this together for lunch I am excited to see how wonderful it will taste.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
My thinking about food, exercise and diet is very distorted and I have finally come to realize that I no longer want to be in this cage any longer. I am reading a wonderful book that was suggest by a great friend (Thanks Kim!) Life Inside the "Thin" cage. Anyone who could classify themselves as a "Chronic dieter" may find this book eye opening as it has for me. I have also been working with a book called the Appetite Awareness so that I can begin to start listening to my body and its message to eat and to stop. I know this will is a journey and a processs but I can not tell you how at peace I am beginning to feel. I still have my struggles i.e. over indulging, feeling guilty, fasting to make up for it. But I now know this is not loving myself this is not taking care of myself. I am more than my external self I am a loving, caring and wonderful person who no longer has to be in this "thin cage" that society has made me feel I need to live in. I am ready to start living.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I sit here and wonder how I move forward from this now. Do I hit the cardio equipment in attempt to get rid of some of the damage that was done. Do I do a "fast" today to not consume any more calories for today to compensate for yesterday out of control eating. Do I just move forward the best that I can.
I have decided that the "normal" and sane thing to do is to move forward the best that I can. But I still question why did it happen? After 5 months of hard dedicated work why did I fall? I guess I could try to guess all the reason and I could continue to have this negative conversation with myself but I know deep down that this will NOT empower me to move forward to achieve peace with food and fitness.
I read lots and lots of blog and some of the women seem to have some what of a help relationship with food and their bodies. I wish for that too. How do I achieve that? How do I find a health medium ground?
I trust that I will find that path on my journey. As always I look forward to the people in the blogging world for support and hope. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
As some of you may know I have been working with a wonderful trainer and have gotten awesome results but I am coming to realize it also comes with a price. I have been feeling not like myself for a few days and I feel like I need to listen to my body. This may not be something my trainer will agree with but for me I feel like it is right. I have been feeling very light headed and just not right.
I had a HUGE binge last night and at first I was devasted and of course I had thought in my head that I would do additional minutes of cardio to complensate today. But is that rational thinking? Is this how I want to live my life? I still feel like I can some how find a medium ground. I love how my body has changed. I continue to hope that my legs will come around but I am not sure at what price I am willing to do that. I have decided that I feel like I need to set some guide lines for myself. Not only for my sanity but for my health.
1. No more than and additional hour of cardio five days a week. I considered only doing a few days a week but I do enjoy my cardio in the morning and I feel like it set my day of right so for now I want to keep it.
2. Continue to do weight training six days a week in the afternoon. I love weight training and I know this will help me with trying to get my legs tighter and firmers. So far now I will continue doing that as well.
3. This is the big one for me and I am not sure how this will go over with my trainer but maybe we can come to a happy medium ground. I want to keep my calories between 1400-2000 calories. I still want to keep my carbs low and protein high but I want to incorporate a more wide range of foods. I miss experimenting with food. Like I said I am not sure if this will help me get firmer and tighter but I am hoping that I can find a medium ground with this.
4. I am really happy with my weight where it is right now. I would like to keep my weight between 140-145. I think this is a good weight for me and like I said over all I am happy with the way it looks.
It feels so good to write this down and find some peace. I feel like I have been obsessed and I was beginning to get really worried, especially with the way I have been feeling the last few days. It may have been a "wake up" call for me and I did not want to ignore it. There are several bloggers that I am going to write personal notes to for support. I have been waiting in the shadows too long and I know a lot of these wonderful women can be of great support to me.
I know I am going to be exhausted today since I have not gotten much sleep but I think this was a good things for me.
I want balance in my life and I know that I have to pick it! I have to find the happy medium, for ME!
Thanks to all who read this and I want to committ to blogging more because I truly have missed it!
Friday, May 14, 2010
My trainer bumped up my cardio on Tuesday to include and additional 45 minutes. My first reaction was, what the hell? I am already doing 45 minutes 5 days you want me to what? Double it? How am I going to fit that into already crazy schedule? Do I have what it takes to do it? But I did. I can't tell you how empowering it is. I left the gym the other days almost in tears from achieving the extra cardio. I sit here on Friday with only an additional 15 minutes to complete my task!
Do not underestimate what you can do. I know I won't.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Here is a picture of us when we went and saw my son play his spring football game last weekend. My hair did look good before it started misting, with that and a little humidity mixed in that is what you get! :) We enjoyed seeing him and look forward to next fall to watching him play.
I am now entering my 12th week with Tony and the dreambodies program. I have had zero cheat and am doing well. Tony added an additional 25 minute of cardio into my mix and I have to admit I was wondering how and if I was going to be able to do it. But I am happy to report that I was able to do all five cardio sessions this week with the additional 25 minutes. It was so empowering to achieve this and it makes it even more clear to me that you can do anything you put your mind to.
I continue to try to stay patient with my legs. There has been small improvements but this part it going to take time and a lot of patience.
I had a conversation with Sarabeth the other day about beauty. This was a very difficult conversation for me. What is beauty? What makes some one beautiful? I had an assignment to find three pictures of women that I thought were beautiful. It was really difficult. There were many that I thought were cute but not beautiful, but what was it that made someone beautiful? I am still not quite sure if I have figure that out for myself. And the big question is can I find myself beautiful? I do have very rare moments that I look in the mirror and I see my beauty and it totally freaks me out. If I thought I was beautiful would that make me stuck up? Would I see myself as better than someone else? I think those are the emotions that come up for me. But what a wonderful gift it would be to have, look in the mirror and see and feel beautiful.
I would love to get your feedback on this.
I think I am going to do progress pictures next weekend so stay tuned!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I can not tell you how wonderful Tony he is and if you are a seriously thinking about changing your body he is the man. He has so much compassion and I have been truly change in the short time I have been working with him not only physically but mentally. I look forward to more to come as I continue to work with him.
I did my weekly weigh in yesterday and am now at 147.5 at home and 150.6 at the gym so that makes a total of 13.5 pounds in 8 weeks. Hard work and clean eating has truly paid off. Won't you join me? Let look fabulous for summer!
Speaking of summer I haven't even start to begin that I know that I will no clothes that will fit and that I have to do the dreaded clothes shopping anyone out there love to shop and want to do it for me? I know you think I would enjoy it but it isn't something I like to do.
I am thinking about doing some personal training again. It is something I truly enjoy and have missed it. A girlfriend of mine called and asked if I would train her so I start that Monday and am looking forward to kicking her butt! :) I also talked to a trainer at the gym that I workout at to see what I would have to do to possible be a trainer there. I have to talk with a guy on Monday and see what certification is required. I know I will probably have to get a certification but it is exciting and hopefully it will push me to get that damn certification that I have been putting off for way to long!
The diet has been solid and I have had to no problems what so every. I did have really really low energy yesterday and when I talked to Tony last week he said that I could have 3-4 ounces of sweet potato or 1 cup of brown rice if I needed it. I have to admit I was totally freaked out about having to add that. I instantly said I need a menu I need something to follow in order to do that. He said there is no menu this is to be added if you "need it" I said, will I know if I need it? Will this set me off? I was terrified. He said you will know. So yesterday I was so tired and had very little energy in the afternoon and I was hungry before my schedule eat time. At first I thought I was just tired because I didn't get enough sleep. I decided to lay down to see if that would help. I couldn't sleep so I decided if I didn't feel better after I laid down that I would have a sweet potato with my dinner. It was exactly what I needed and I was so proud of myself for doing it. This was big, very big for me! I wasn't like the energizer bunny or anything but I did feel better and it was nice to know that I was able to recognize it. There has been so many break through for me this week it is unbelieveable. I wish I could share more of them with you but some of the others are very personal in nature and I am not willing to share those quite yet.