Emotions

Emotions that I try so hard to keep in check at all times came flooding out of me today with out a warning. I was frightened by them and was unprepared how to handle them. I have always had difficulty reaching out to anyone and telling them how I truly felt. Today I called someone. Not a friend or family but some one I knew could help me acknowledge what I was feeling. I held the phone in my hand for a long time before I made the call but I did.
I know that I have put on quite a bit of weight and have extreme difficulty excepting that but yet I do not want to be defined by a number. So I continue to stay away from the scale. Is it good or bad I don't know but I do not want to react with extreme diet measures that is NOT how I want to live my life. I have to admit I am frustrated. So I sit with my thoughts which is difficult .

Unexpected Vistor

I had unexpected vistor visited me yesterday. She had not come a round in a very long time, 8 month to be exact. I had mixed emotions about her arrival and I was suprised what her visit evoked in me.

She left as I strived to become something I thought I needed to be. She left with no explanation and I was confused about her departure. I never truly thought about it and what it really meant by her sudden disappearance. She symbolized a healthy body. Not a body that began to shut down normal function because of it low body fat status. She was much smarter than I gave her credit for. She sensed famine and knew there was no way that she could support it. So she left not to return for a long time, waiting in the shadows for a healthier time.

I have work hard to try to become a healthy me and she must have also sensed that I have made great strides in achieving that because she returned in all her glory. Have I missed her? I not like this...

Off for the midol and heating pad....

What a difference six months can make

It was hard for me to look at these picture together. The girl above was working out several hours a day and eating pretty much chicken, fish, oatmeal, eggs, protein powder, broccoli and green beans. She was desperate to become what she thought she needed to be.

And I see this women today. Still searching for her happy place. She has yet to have peace with her body. I write this blog today for myself to help me find some peace. Part of me knows the "skinny" girl was not at a peacful place. But I have to admit I loved how my clothes fit and that you could see all the wonderful definition I have work so hard to see. I did not like how thin my face became and how all the veins where popping out of my body. I just didn't feel femine. Aren't women suppose to have curves? It is ok to have bigger thighs, legs and a butt? Is that what my womanly body is? I continue to struggle with what I see in the mirror I long to fit into all the wonderful clothes I once wore with pride. I am not sure that I want to work so hard to keep that. The skinny girl had to work out alot which caused her to shelter herself from the people she loved. She no longer went out or got together with people. It was all about working out and keep a strict diet then. She was usually physically exhausted to really enjoy much of anything.

I remember the day I hit rock bottom. I had come of a huge bingesand was in my room sobbing alone. I decided to reach out to the one person that I knew loved me the most, my husband. I called to him to come to our room. I looked at him crying and told him I needed his help that I could no longer live like this. It was difficult for me to admit I no longer had control. I do believe it was the moment I began to take action to learn to love myself. I still struggling with the whole concept and I continue to work with a wonderful professional to help me see all the wonderful things I have to offer the world beside a thin body. I know this will take time and that I may have to leave the skinny girl and clothes behind. I have to admit it has been difficult.

But as the name of my post said what a difference six months can make. I hope to be able to make this statement again from a place of self acceptance and peace with who I am

Punish

I had a interesting question ask to me yesterday: Kathi, Why do you continue to punish yourself? My mouth fell to the floor in shock. I couldn’t believe that this was something I could possibly be doing to myself. Ever since being asked the question it has been on my mind. So I decided to look up the meaning of punish
pun·ish
verb \ˈpə-nish\
Definition of PUNISH
transitive verb
1
a : to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation b : to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation
2
a : to deal with roughly or harshly b : to inflict injury on : hurt
intransitive verb
: to inflict punishment
— pun·ish·abil·i·ty\ˌpə-nish-ə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
— pun·ish·able\ˈpə-nish-ə-bəl\ adjective
— pun·ish·er noun

Was I really punishing myself? And the hardest question yet was why? I have yet to come up with the answer but I do want to find it. I do believe that once this question is answered I can finally begin to have peace with who I am.

5K?

I have been giving much thought to attempting a 5K. I volunteered to help at a 5K event this past weekend. This was my first experience even witnessing one up front and personal. It was so interesting to see all the different types of runners and I am sure they all had different reason for running the event. It gave me a weird desire to attempt one.
I have never been a runner and never had much desire to do so. Cardio was cardio and that is all it has been for me. But could it be something different?
Many of you may not know my story and I am hoping to tell it soon on my blog along with photos. Anyway... about five years ago I had a normal fall on the ice with devastating results. I feel and broke my patella(kneecap). I never ever thought it a millions years that I would be able to run on it. I have done interval training most of the time not pushing the knee to much. But the last few days I have been attempting to run on it. I have not yet attempt pavement and not sure how the knee will do with that. I have been running on the treadmill and am working toward being able to do a 5K on the treadmill with out stopping. I also plan on attempting to run on the pavement. I am considering doing this Saturday. I have been wearing my knee brace for the longer amounts of time running with out stopping and that seems to be helping a lot.
So this week I am attempting to run 1.5 miles with out stopping three times this week. I made my first attempt on Tuesday and it went well. I was able to set the pace on the treadmill for a 10 minute mile and was able to complete it in a little over 15 minutes. Was it easy? Oh heck no several times during the run I wanted to stop and tell myself that I couldn't do it but I keep at it and felt good when I complete it.
So the my ultimate goal: to run a 5K without stopping in under 30 minutes. But I must be patient and kind to myself and take it slow and easy and see how the knee does. There is a 5K that my son's girlfriend is organizing and I thought that might be a great thing to shoot for. It will be held some time in the spring so I have plenty of time to work on it.
Have any of you done a 5K? How was it? How did you prepare for it? I am eager to hear from you .

Changed?

I continued to be inspired so many blogs and they continue to bring me back to the same old question: Change. I would like to say that I have changed and that all my bad habits and attitudes are a distant memory but I would only be fooling myself.
Food continues to control me and my exercise habit take priority above almost anything. I feel like I am on the roller coaster that keeps me spinning and I always return to the same spot.
It saddens me to think that at the age of 45 that I have yet to discover what so many others have: Self love and acceptance.
I say that I want it but I some time avoid like the plague. What would happen if I truly accepted and loved myself? What would my time be spent doing if I could not obsess about my weight and what I choose to put into my body?
I continue to read blog that inspire me and I hope will help me continue to keep fighting. Fighting for acceptance, love and peace.

Ready for some "FOOTBALL?"

We arrived home from the football game around 5:30 last night. I was hot sweaty and glad to be home. Of course I didn't sit down I got busy right away. I chopped salad and cabbage for dinner. For dinner I had two of these:
"In a Jiffy Spelt veggie burgers" I just love these and I like having a supply in the freezer at all times. I had two of them both put one slice of ezekiel bread with homemade tomato paste and spinach, YUM! I also had a big side salad. I cooked up some cabbage but decided not to eat it and save it for another day. I am really trying to focus more on veggies as my main stable for dinners and everything else a smaller side. I had to share what I made Friday night for dinner.

I made a delicious homemade pizza. I threw the ingredients for the pizza dough in my bread maker and let it do the work. This crust turns out fabulous and I love the fact that I just put it in the machine and let it go.

I topped it with a little olive oil with crushed garlic, fresh sliced plum tomatoes, basil and mozzarella.

Fabulous. I packed up a few cold pieces for a quick lunch at the football game. I love cold pizza. Of course I fed the "meat" eater a italian sausage pizza. He was quite delighted. Still trying to find our happy medium for the meater eater and nonmeater.

Are you ready for some football?

Our son is number 73. We lovedfootball and we were eager to see how the team was going to do this year. They have a whole new coaching staff. This is our sons first year of eligibility as a sophomore at Truman State University. We were thrilled to hear that he was able to be a part of the traveling team and conventionally the first game was a short two hours from our home.

Although he did not see any playing time today it was great to be able to spend a little time with him after the game and it is always great to see him suited up. They looked pretty good but definately have some things to work on. They ended up winning the game 23 -13.

I decided to take the weekend off from any formal exercise. I can't rememeber the last time I took some major down time. Have you every taken a few days off from exercise? Did you feel guilty about it? Was it difficult to get back in the swing after taking a few days off? I am really trying to focus on listening to my body and being ok "relaxing" a little.

Who says you "NEED" meat?

It has been over a week since I have eaten meat and I have to say I am not really missing it. I have never been a huge meat lover and this vegetarian diet has been working out wonderfully. I have been truly enjoying all my eats and isn't that what life is all about? Enjoyment!
Tonight I made a spicy tofu rueben sandwich...
Doesn't it look devine? It was ezekiel toasted bread, tofu fried into brown and crispy.

Saurkraut, swiss cheese....

And a sauce made of lite mayo, ketchup, sweet pickle relish and a little hot sauce. You have to give this a try it was fabulous. I could have easily eaten two of these. I also fried up some cabbage and topped it with mustard and splenda. Yes I haven't quite been able to give up everything. I am working on it!

I went to my therapist today and we did a hypnosis session. Have you every done hypnosis? What are you thought about it? It was so relaxing and I felt really good after. I am hopeful it will help me to a better, more full filling life.

Hubby was gone to a business open house so he was probably thrilled to finally be able to eat meat! Does anyone live with a partner who is not a vegetarian/vegan? How do you cook your meal? It has been kind of hard. Part of me want him just to jump the the bandwagon with me and another part want to respect his wishes. I hope we can find a happy medium so where.

I have been really tired all week and not sure if I have had the best workouts. Part of me want to just give my body a break and rest a few days but another part wants me to suck it up and just do it. Do you every have this? How do you deal with it?

My son called yesterday and he made second team for the football team. So he will be traveling with the team for the first game. We are thrilled for him. He has worked hard and it has truly paid off for him. The bonus for us is that the first game is in Indiana and is only 2 hours from our home. We will be going to the game. I am excited and looking forward to seeing him.

Tomorrow is Friday! I thought it would never get here.

Yes, I don't know, No!

I have never been good about making a decision and today was no different. One of my "BIG" dreams it to run my own restaurant. I have never cook in a restaurant and so I made a decision a few weeks ago that I would attempt to find a job working in a commercial kitchen. This would give me a big wake up call as to what it is "REAL" like. I saw a job for a cook position at a local nursing home. I filled out the application and pretty much forgot about it since I have ZERO experience. They called me today and wanted to interview today. Of course I was a nervous wreck! I talked to my husband and he cheered me on and told me I had NOTHING to lose. He told me to just be myself. So that is what I did. I really enjoy the lady who interviewed me and she was willing to give me a chance if I wanted. I would have to act quickly if I wanted to take it. She told me if I wanted the job that I would have to have a drug test and physical today and go to orientation tomorrow and Friday. I sat there in shock and did not know what to say. When I finally could speak I told her that I would to found out from my current employer if I could get tomorrow and Friday off and that I would call her and let her know by 3:00. It was around 1:30 when I left. My mind was racing and I had know idea what to do. First I told myself Yes and then I said I don't know. I called my husband immediately for support. He is always so calm in these kinds of situation. He told me that I would have to decide for myself if it was really worth it or not and only I could decide. I had to really sit down and think about it. It was really difficult because I really wanted to have an opportunity to work in a kitchen and get some experience behind my belt but it was such little notice and the following week I would have to do orientate and work my other job which meant working seven days. I just didn't think I could do it. I finally made my decision if they truly wanted me to work there they would work something out. I called her and said that I was not able to make orientation with such short notice from my other employer. She said ok and maybe next time. I have to admit I was heart broken. I felt like this would only be my opportunity. Deep down inside I felt what they were asking from me wasn't fair to me and that I deserved better. I know part of my emotions was based on not wanting to let anyone down but it ultimately it came down to what was best for ME. I really am proud of myself and this was huge for me.

This past weekend I saw a recipe from Heather for Seitan. I cooked it up and it has sat in my refrigerator every since. I had no idea what to do with and I have to admit I was scared to try it. But I decided to do it tonight.

I have a recipe for Mongolian Beef and I thought it was a perfect way to hide it from my husband.

I started of by cutting up the seitan in to beef type slices and coating it with cornstarch.

Next I cooked it up in oil until it started to brown.

Then I added the sauce. Doesn't it look delicious? The sauce was a combination of soy sauce, water, brown sugar and red pepper flakes.

I served it over brown rice. The verdict: I "LOVED" it! I am so glad that I was willing to give it a chance. And for my hubby: I almost had him fooled he said it looked just like beef but it had not quite as "robust" flavor. I don't if he was trying to convince himself that he didn't like it as much as beef or not. I am really looking forward to cooking with it again.

I also added a delicious big salad to go with it. I haven't been eating quite as much vegetables as I would like so this was perfect. This meal was very satisfying and I am still full.

Good Bye are SO hard!

Our daughter wanted to come home this weekend before she starts classes a week from Monday. We went and picked her up Thursday night and she stayed the weekend. You would think that her being gone almost a year now that it would be easy dropping her off today. NOT
I got all teary eyed as we drove a way.
My husband and I have raised two wonderful children but damn do I miss them. Anyone who is reading this and has kids at home, enjoy every minute you have because before you know they will be gone. Don't get me wrong I am glad that I have raised very independent children but it still does not make the heartache go away.
I woke up early this morning and wanted to make a few things for her to take back with her. I had attempted to make pitas before and it was a big FAIL but I was determined that I would get it right. So I decided to try again. I put them on my pizza stone instead this time. I put the first pita on the stone in a 500 degree oven for 4-5 minutes. I crossed my fingers and waited.
When I opened the oven this is what I found.....

Success! I was so excited and it sure did build my confidence in my cooking abilities. After they come out of the oven you wrapped them in tinfoil to cool.

As they cook they deflate and the pocket inside remains.

Of course when lunch came around I had to try one. I had some left over homemade falafel I had made a few days ago so I stuffed it with a falafel and cucumber sauce. Perfect ! I wish I would have taken a picture but I was so excited to eat I forgot all about it.

I have been playing around with my diet to find the foods that I feel works well for "MY" body. I am doing a more vegetarian type diet focusing more on vegetables. I am going to listen to my body and see how I do. So tonight I had some edamame that was in the freezer that needed to eaten so I cook up Edamame Stir fry.

It was really good and I like that it was a really big portion. The only problem with going a more vegetarian diet is that I live with a meat eater. I am curious to hear from others that have this same situation. How do you deal with it? Make two different meals? I know my husband is open to different foods but I know he doesn't want to give up meat. I look forward to seeing how everyone else deals with this situation. I am off to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Back to work.

Emotions!

Have you ever had emotions so deep that it difficult to show them and when they appear they are fierce? I had that this morning. I am a very emotional /sensitive person but you would never know it. I hold a great steel armour around myself to protect me. This armour has not served me well. But it is one that is difficult to shed.
Something happen yesterday, that I will not go into, that aroused these emotions inside of me. It was so powerful that it scared me and I didn't know what to do with. Of course there was a lot of crying on the way to work and a few texts search for someone that might be awake at 7:00 am to lend a listening ear.
These emotions only caused me to eat quite a bit when I finally returned home. I know this and have much work to fix the emotional scar so deeply embedded inside of me. Could I beat myself up about the food I ate? Sure but it will not serve me well with all the pain I am feeling. I have gained control of the eating but now I must be kind to myself and learned to calm the pain inside of me. Until I do that I will never truly be free.

Goodbye Skinny Pants!

I have mixed emotions about sharing this with you but I figure if I am going to grow and learn that why not.
I always pick out my clothes the night before so that I am less stress in the morning. I do get up at 4:30 and head to the gym, come home shower, get ready, eat breakfast and head out the door by a little after 7:00. So this does help me.
I picked out my outfit and when I went to put on the pants they did not fit well at all. In the past this would have sent me for a loop with crying and beating myself. But this morning was different. I took them off got another pair that fit and started my day. I had to remind myself that those pants fit me at a weight that may not necessarily but a good weight for me. I have to continue to trust myself and my body to know what that it is. It may not be a weight or size that I like but one that will be doable that I can live with.
I continue to learn to trust and believe it myself and I know with each day I will become stronger and more self confident by doing so. I truly have come a long way!
Keep believe in yourself!

Have you tried on clothes that once fit and now are to small? How did you react? Have you come to peace with your body?

Spring Rolls!

I have had the wrappers to make Spring Rolls for a LONG time! I have seen these on a few blogs and I finally decided to give them a try. I was very nervous that I would be able to do it but I did! What a confidence booster!

I had to make quite a few because I wasn't sure how filling they would be for the hubby. I am trying to have Monday designated as meatless Monday! Not sure how keen the hubby is on it but to bad!

He has been designated as Sunday night for cooking duty so he can cook what every he wants. Last night was Spaghetti and Meatballs. I have been trying to eat more of a vegetarian diet but it looks like Sunday will probably be meat.

I bought the Operation Beautiful book and it has inspired me to attempt to get of the roller caster I have been on WAY to long. I weighed today and I have decided that will be the last time for awhile. I have to continue to remind myself I have good enough just the way I am. Since ending my training with my trainer I have put on 15 pounds and it has been difficult except but I am more than a number and I must continue to focus on that. I continue to eat clean food but I have admit I eat probably more than I need to. It is a journey and I will continue to grow and learn to love myself. I am good enough! I am love able! I am unique!

How do you except yourself as you are? Do you beat yourself up with negative talk?

I look forward to helping and giving anyone support who is on this journey with me.

I have moved!

I have moved my blog to another site. Please come join me and share my ventures to health, peace and happiness.

http://kb-cuisine.com/

Recap

Remember the other day I was cooking something and the stove and I had to wait to reveal what I was making? Well here it is....

Chocolate Yogurt Popsicle I found this on someone blog. I read so many sometimes I forget where I get the recipes from. But this is quite delicious and with the heat that last few days it has been quite refreshing.

Yesterday morning I enjoyed some delicious Oats in a jar. I had just about finished off the peanut butter and thought this was a great idea to get every last drop of peanut butter. Is it only me but why does peanut have to taste so darn delicious?

Last night dinner I was this delicious meal. I have to admit when I saw it I wasn't quite sure if I would like it. I am not a big fan of peas but I had everything in the house for it so I thought I would give it a try. I decided to serve it over polenta but I think next time it would be better over rice. But it was quick, easy and quite delicious. I will definitely make this again when it a hurry for a quick meal.

I am up early this morning and thinking of heading to the farmers market. It is raining... :( But I made some Sangria last night and it has been chilling over night and I thought it would be great to throw in some fresh berries. So hopefully the rain will pass threw before I venture out.

I usually do my workout in the morning on Saturday and have to admit I am creature of habit but I have been working on being OK with if it doesn't always go as "planned." Nothing terrible is going to happen. You have to understand this is really difficult for me and I have so many fears around putting my weight back on. But this is a journey and I plan on continuing to learn and letting go when I need to.

Fish Tacos!

I was a busy little beaver this afternoon and before I knew it was dinner time. Hubby was at a meeting tonight so I was eating solo. So it took me a little longer to get things together for the meal. I first prepared this wonderful sauce to spread on the tortilla for my fish tacos.
This is SO good. It is 2 tablespoons light sour cream, 2 tablespoons avocado, dash of cumin, chili powder, salt and 1/2 teaspoon of lime juice.

I cooked the fish on the grill 5 minutes on one side then carefully flip and then cook another 3 minutes. I also threw the corn tortillas on for about 1 minute on the grill.

Add your fish, shredded cabbage and tomato. It doesn't need anything it is perfect just like this

Can you say Delicious! Light and delicious. Along with the fish taco I made this delicious salad.

I saw it on Tina's blog awhile back and this is the second time I have made it. The flavor combination is so different and I really didn't think I would like it but it is quite tasty. The recipe is from Real Simple It is a combination of shredded apples, carrots, raisins ,cumin, cilantro. Check it out. After I cleaned up dinner, I had soaked a bag of pinto beans during the day today so I threw them in the crock pot with an onion and will cook them over night. We have friends coming for dinner this weekend and I thought I would serve up some beans with our Mexican meal.

After that it was time to figure out what to bring to work for lunch tomorrow. I search in the refrigerator and came up with this.

Do the whole wheat noodles look familiar? I told you hubby wasn't going to eat them. And since there is no "white" pasta to go with the chili it doesn't look like that will get eaten either. So it was a perfect lunch for tomorrow.

Hopefully this will be enough to keep me full until I get home. I have noticed some time I don't quite back enough to keep me full and that is not a good thing when I get home. I think you know what I mean.

Remember I told you I was going to tell you what I was making in the pot on the stove? Well it isn't quite ready for unveiling so you will have to wait until tomorrow.

Off to make some protein ice cream. I will share this with you tomorrow.

Happy Hump Day!

Hope everyone was enjoying "hump" day today. We are half way through the week! I woke up before my alarm this morning: 4:06 am. I get up around 4:20 and hit the gym for 5:00. It may sounds horrible to some but I have gotten use to it and I do enjoy getting my work out done early. Plus it starts out the day right. Today I had a great chest work out and did 30 laps in the pool. Sounds good does it? Little did I tell you I swim one length of the pool and back and then I rest for a minute and repeat. It is kind of like a HIIT in the pool. I have such great admiration for swimmers that do it for a sport. Just doing the one length and back I am winded. I am really enjoying the pool and it gives my knee a rest from all the pounding it get on the treadmill.

I came home and took my shower. When I came downstairs to dry my hair I found this wonderful note on the counter....

Put a smile on my face and made the day so much brighter! Did I say I have a great husband? He has seen me and my worst and at my best and still loves me deeply.

I finished getting ready and remember I had something in the refrigerator waiting for me for breakfast? Did you guess what it was? I bet you thought it was over night oats? Well I guess it kind of is. Look at this beauty.

I found this recipe over at Katie blog.

It is fabulous! I love it SO much. I never thought I would like tofu in oatmeal but it makes it so creamy and delicious and it make a TON and I am all about volume. This is one of my new loves right now.

After finishing this beautiful bowl of goodness I packed up my lunch and water and headed to work but not before leave a little something behind for someone special....

I work a part time job and although the job isn't challenge and some time quite boring the owner and his brother are the best. They are wonderful people and it is a joy to work for them. They have truly taught me a lot about not worrying so much. I work for a small courier office and it is just the owner, his brother and me in the office. We have been waiting for a shipment of a product to come in they said it would be here Tuesday or Wednesday. And of course what shows up when it is just me in the office? Yep you got it the shipment. So I put my hard hat on started up the forklift and unloaded the truck. Wish I could have gotten a picture of that to put on the blog. I truly have come a long way. I would never thought in a million years that I would be driving a fork lift. It is quite fun though...

After finishing up the day... I only work until 12:30. I stopped at the store and pick up things for a dinner I am making for friends on Saturday. I got home around 2:30 and was ready to eat.

I had seen this delicious thing on Heathers Blog and new it was time to give it a try. I just happen to have these in the freezer

I had gotten this recipe from Gina's blog and had use them to make manicotti awhile back and froze the rest for another day. Today was the perfect day.

Since they frozen I pulled them in a plan to defrost and melt the chocolate peanut butter. Oh glorious chocolate peanut butter...

Then I added the banana. I was drooling just watching this come alive and of course having a few finger lick from the chocolate peanut butter jar....

Made two and sprinkle with a little bit of cinnamon.

Can you see the chocolate and banana goodness? It was out of this world and really hit the spot for the sweetness I was looking for. After this I moved on the preparing to for tonight dinner: Fish Taco's. In my wildest dreams would I think that I would remote like these but I made them for the husband and I a few weeks back and we both really enjoyed them. So I prepared to marinade the fish until dinner.

Marinade included: 2 tablespoons lime juice, 1 teaspoon cumin, 1 teaspoon garlic powder, 1/2 teaspoon chili powder and 1/8 teaspoon salt. It says to marinade for 5 minutes but I like to let it sit longer. I tossed that in the refrigerator and decided to make one more thing before sitting down to blog.

Can you guess what it might be? I guess you will have to wait and see. I will be back later to reveal the mystery.

Food has RETURNED!

I have done a lot of soul searching the past few weeks and I have begun to make peace with food and my body. Does that mean that I will stop pumping iron in the gym? No Does that mean that I will fill my body with processed crap? No I will love my body and give it good clean food

and exercise daily. This might mean that I may not look like a person that could pose for a fitness magazine and I am ok with that. I have come SO far and I have nothing to be ashamed of.. I have begun to stop beating myself up about trying to be thinner, toner, leaner.... For what? In the end I will always be Kathi a wonderful, loving and caring person that will never change no matter what my outside looks like. I will love my body and myself.

I have realized how much I have missed posting about the wonderful food I have been eating and so it returns.......

I like to pack my lunch for work the night before so this is where I will begin. I had bought some wonderful baby strawberries and blue berries so I made a delicious container of sweetness.

I thought I would try to use up some stuff in the refrigerator so I threw this together for lunch I am excited to see how wonderful it will taste.

Salad contains:

Whole wheat elbow noodles (I thought the husband would eat.. Ya Right?)

Cucumber

tomato

green and red pepper

leftover grilled chicken

red onion

goat cheese

1 tablespoon of Baslamic dressing

Clean, fresh....

I look forward to sharing my eats with you. See you in the morning with a delicious breakfast that is sitting in the refrigerator as we speak. Any ideas?

Coming out of the FOG

I have come out of the fog and have found a new perspective and focus. It feels so freeing! I had a HUGE revelation about a week ago and it has change my whole perspective on eating, food and exercise. I can't thank my wonderful husband for being my rock and helping me see this and began to start working on it.



My thinking about food, exercise and diet is very distorted and I have finally come to realize that I no longer want to be in this cage any longer. I am reading a wonderful book that was suggest by a great friend (Thanks Kim!) Life Inside the "Thin" cage. Anyone who could classify themselves as a "Chronic dieter" may find this book eye opening as it has for me. I have also been working with a book called the Appetite Awareness so that I can begin to start listening to my body and its message to eat and to stop. I know this will is a journey and a processs but I can not tell you how at peace I am beginning to feel. I still have my struggles i.e. over indulging, feeling guilty, fasting to make up for it. But I now know this is not loving myself this is not taking care of myself. I am more than my external self I am a loving, caring and wonderful person who no longer has to be in this "thin cage" that society has made me feel I need to live in. I am ready to start living.

"HUGE" Binge

I have thought about hiding this from not only myself but from others who can help me with yet another binge. This binge was bigger and longer than the last. I had not desire to stop it and let it continue as long as I needed it to. I know I consumed thousands of calories and now I sit here early this morning with the my thought of the "after"math.
I sit here and wonder how I move forward from this now. Do I hit the cardio equipment in attempt to get rid of some of the damage that was done. Do I do a "fast" today to not consume any more calories for today to compensate for yesterday out of control eating. Do I just move forward the best that I can.
I have decided that the "normal" and sane thing to do is to move forward the best that I can. But I still question why did it happen? After 5 months of hard dedicated work why did I fall? I guess I could try to guess all the reason and I could continue to have this negative conversation with myself but I know deep down that this will NOT empower me to move forward to achieve peace with food and fitness.
I read lots and lots of blog and some of the women seem to have some what of a help relationship with food and their bodies. I wish for that too. How do I achieve that? How do I find a health medium ground?
I trust that I will find that path on my journey. As always I look forward to the people in the blogging world for support and hope. Thanks for reading.

Thoughts

I have been up for hours with my thoughts. I finally came down stairs to put it on "cyber" paper and also with the hope with anyone who might read this will help me. There are so MANY wonderful bloggers out there that I read on a daily basis but never comment on. I am thinking I may want to branch out to some of these wonderful women for support.
As some of you may know I have been working with a wonderful trainer and have gotten awesome results but I am coming to realize it also comes with a price. I have been feeling not like myself for a few days and I feel like I need to listen to my body. This may not be something my trainer will agree with but for me I feel like it is right. I have been feeling very light headed and just not right.
I had a HUGE binge last night and at first I was devasted and of course I had thought in my head that I would do additional minutes of cardio to complensate today. But is that rational thinking? Is this how I want to live my life? I still feel like I can some how find a medium ground. I love how my body has changed. I continue to hope that my legs will come around but I am not sure at what price I am willing to do that. I have decided that I feel like I need to set some guide lines for myself. Not only for my sanity but for my health.

1. No more than and additional hour of cardio five days a week. I considered only doing a few days a week but I do enjoy my cardio in the morning and I feel like it set my day of right so for now I want to keep it.

2. Continue to do weight training six days a week in the afternoon. I love weight training and I know this will help me with trying to get my legs tighter and firmers. So far now I will continue doing that as well.

3. This is the big one for me and I am not sure how this will go over with my trainer but maybe we can come to a happy medium ground. I want to keep my calories between 1400-2000 calories. I still want to keep my carbs low and protein high but I want to incorporate a more wide range of foods. I miss experimenting with food. Like I said I am not sure if this will help me get firmer and tighter but I am hoping that I can find a medium ground with this.

4. I am really happy with my weight where it is right now. I would like to keep my weight between 140-145. I think this is a good weight for me and like I said over all I am happy with the way it looks.

It feels so good to write this down and find some peace. I feel like I have been obsessed and I was beginning to get really worried, especially with the way I have been feeling the last few days. It may have been a "wake up" call for me and I did not want to ignore it. There are several bloggers that I am going to write personal notes to for support. I have been waiting in the shadows too long and I know a lot of these wonderful women can be of great support to me.

I know I am going to be exhausted today since I have not gotten much sleep but I think this was a good things for me.

I want balance in my life and I know that I have to pick it! I have to find the happy medium, for ME!

Thanks to all who read this and I want to committ to blogging more because I truly have missed it!

Dig Deep!

I had to dig deep this week and I have to admit I was unsure if I was going to be able to pull it off. But I sit here on a Friday beaming in awww at myself on what I was able to achieve this week.
My trainer bumped up my cardio on Tuesday to include and additional 45 minutes. My first reaction was, what the hell? I am already doing 45 minutes 5 days you want me to what? Double it? How am I going to fit that into already crazy schedule? Do I have what it takes to do it? But I did. I can't tell you how empowering it is. I left the gym the other days almost in tears from achieving the extra cardio. I sit here on Friday with only an additional 15 minutes to complete my task!
Do not underestimate what you can do. I know I won't.

Mother's Day and Progress Pictures

This was picture was taken on April 3 and I weighed 150 pounds.

This picture was taken today on 5/9 and I weighed in at 145 pounds. So I have lost another five pounds. I continue to make progress but as you can see the legs continue to hold on to the fat. Sigh.... But I do see a small change and the skin does look slightly tighter but I knew this part was going to take time. My upper body is coming together nicely and I have heard from others that between month 3 and 4 they saw great changes and I am hoping for the same for me.

I have upped the amount of veggies I have been eating just to keep me full and satisfied. Thanks to April I cooked up some cabbage and loved it so I will probably be adding that to my go to veggies. I do love them and it has not been a bad thing for me. I do have my moment when I long for a banana or some peanut butter but I continue to remind myself how long I have sustained from all these things and I far I have how far I have come and do I want to give it all up now for that. So I continue to hold strong.

I order myself a new collection of clothes from a girl name "Wendy" that Kelly O blogged about not to long ago. They should be coming this week and I am so excited. I am not clothes shopper and I have no idea how to put clothes together this was a great solution for me. I will take some picture of me in some of the new outfits to show you. It all still seems so unreal to me because when she asked me what size I was I wasn't sure and when I looked at a pair of pants that a friend had given me I saw that they were a size 6. A 6? I could hard put my mind around it and to say that I could wear a size Small shirt. It was almost to much for me. I still have this fear that the clothes will arrive and that they will be to small for me. I still have a lot of mental work to do to really comprehend all that I have achieved. There are moment that I cry with happiness for all that I have able to do and take great pride in it. But yet I still have moments when I see still how far I have yet to go. Today I choose to hold joy in all that I have achieved.

Stay tuned for the pictures of some of the new clothes!

Happy Mothers Day to all!

Update

I have thought about posting for days now and have finally just made myself sit down and do it. Working three small jobs, working out twice a day and now adding physical therapy into my week there isn't a lot of free time.
Here is a picture of us when we went and saw my son play his spring football game last weekend. My hair did look good before it started misting, with that and a little humidity mixed in that is what you get! :) We enjoyed seeing him and look forward to next fall to watching him play.

I am now entering my 12th week with Tony and the dreambodies program. I have had zero cheat and am doing well. Tony added an additional 25 minute of cardio into my mix and I have to admit I was wondering how and if I was going to be able to do it. But I am happy to report that I was able to do all five cardio sessions this week with the additional 25 minutes. It was so empowering to achieve this and it makes it even more clear to me that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I continue to try to stay patient with my legs. There has been small improvements but this part it going to take time and a lot of patience.

I had a conversation with Sarabeth the other day about beauty. This was a very difficult conversation for me. What is beauty? What makes some one beautiful? I had an assignment to find three pictures of women that I thought were beautiful. It was really difficult. There were many that I thought were cute but not beautiful, but what was it that made someone beautiful? I am still not quite sure if I have figure that out for myself. And the big question is can I find myself beautiful? I do have very rare moments that I look in the mirror and I see my beauty and it totally freaks me out. If I thought I was beautiful would that make me stuck up? Would I see myself as better than someone else? I think those are the emotions that come up for me. But what a wonderful gift it would be to have, look in the mirror and see and feel beautiful.
I would love to get your feedback on this.

I think I am going to do progress pictures next weekend so stay tuned!

Feed Back

I received wonderful feed back from Tony and he couldn't be more proud of the progress I have made. We decided on a goal weight and I was glad to hear that we were both thinking around the same range. We decided between 140-145 and will continue watch the changes that my body makes.

I can not tell you how wonderful Tony he is and if you are a seriously thinking about changing your body he is the man. He has so much compassion and I have been truly change in the short time I have been working with him not only physically but mentally. I look forward to more to come as I continue to work with him.

I did my weekly weigh in yesterday and am now at 147.5 at home and 150.6 at the gym so that makes a total of 13.5 pounds in 8 weeks. Hard work and clean eating has truly paid off. Won't you join me? Let look fabulous for summer!

Speaking of summer I haven't even start to begin that I know that I will no clothes that will fit and that I have to do the dreaded clothes shopping anyone out there love to shop and want to do it for me? I know you think I would enjoy it but it isn't something I like to do.

I am thinking about doing some personal training again. It is something I truly enjoy and have missed it. A girlfriend of mine called and asked if I would train her so I start that Monday and am looking forward to kicking her butt! :) I also talked to a trainer at the gym that I workout at to see what I would have to do to possible be a trainer there. I have to talk with a guy on Monday and see what certification is required. I know I will probably have to get a certification but it is exciting and hopefully it will push me to get that damn certification that I have been putting off for way to long!

The diet has been solid and I have had to no problems what so every. I did have really really low energy yesterday and when I talked to Tony last week he said that I could have 3-4 ounces of sweet potato or 1 cup of brown rice if I needed it. I have to admit I was totally freaked out about having to add that. I instantly said I need a menu I need something to follow in order to do that. He said there is no menu this is to be added if you "need it" I said, will I know if I need it? Will this set me off? I was terrified. He said you will know. So yesterday I was so tired and had very little energy in the afternoon and I was hungry before my schedule eat time. At first I thought I was just tired because I didn't get enough sleep. I decided to lay down to see if that would help. I couldn't sleep so I decided if I didn't feel better after I laid down that I would have a sweet potato with my dinner. It was exactly what I needed and I was so proud of myself for doing it. This was big, very big for me! I wasn't like the energizer bunny or anything but I did feel better and it was nice to know that I was able to recognize it. There has been so many break through for me this week it is unbelieveable. I wish I could share more of them with you but some of the others are very personal in nature and I am not willing to share those quite yet.

Progress Photos

I thought I would post a some pictures. The very top picture was taken before I started with my new trainer 7 weeks ago. Bottom picture was taken yesterday. I am definately seeing some changes in the upper body. Lower body I still have work to do but I think there may be some slight changes.

I weighed when I started at 161 and yesterday I weighed in at 150 so I have lost 11 pounds in almost eight weeks.

I forwarded the pictures to my trainer and am eager to get his feedback. I asked him to help me set goal weight and at what weight did he feel my legs may begin to smooth out and tighten. I will definately return to let everyone know what he had to say.

Today is Easter and it will be a quiet one. No little ones running around looking for Easter eggs or baskets. My son decided not to come home and we picked up my daughter yesterday but she will be returning today.

Hope everyone has a great Easter! I will return with my feedback when I get it. Now I am off to eat my Oatmeal and egg whites!!