Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Unexpected Vistor

I had unexpected vistor visited me yesterday. She had not come a round in a very long time, 8 month to be exact. I had mixed emotions about her arrival and I was suprised what her visit evoked in me.

She left as I strived to become something I thought I needed to be. She left with no explanation and I was confused about her departure. I never truly thought about it and what it really meant by her sudden disappearance. She symbolized a healthy body. Not a body that began to shut down normal function because of it low body fat status. She was much smarter than I gave her credit for. She sensed famine and knew there was no way that she could support it. So she left not to return for a long time, waiting in the shadows for a healthier time.

I have work hard to try to become a healthy me and she must have also sensed that I have made great strides in achieving that because she returned in all her glory. Have I missed her? I not like this...

Off for the midol and heating pad....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What a difference six months can make

It was hard for me to look at these picture together. The girl above was working out several hours a day and eating pretty much chicken, fish, oatmeal, eggs, protein powder, broccoli and green beans. She was desperate to become what she thought she needed to be.
And I see this women today. Still searching for her happy place. She has yet to have peace with her body. I write this blog today for myself to help me find some peace. Part of me knows the "skinny" girl was not at a peacful place. But I have to admit I loved how my clothes fit and that you could see all the wonderful definition I have work so hard to see. I did not like how thin my face became and how all the veins where popping out of my body. I just didn't feel femine. Aren't women suppose to have curves? It is ok to have bigger thighs, legs and a butt? Is that what my womanly body is? I continue to struggle with what I see in the mirror I long to fit into all the wonderful clothes I once wore with pride. I am not sure that I want to work so hard to keep that. The skinny girl had to work out alot which caused her to shelter herself from the people she loved. She no longer went out or got together with people. It was all about working out and keep a strict diet then. She was usually physically exhausted to really enjoy much of anything.
I remember the day I hit rock bottom. I had come of a huge bingesand was in my room sobbing alone. I decided to reach out to the one person that I knew loved me the most, my husband. I called to him to come to our room. I looked at him crying and told him I needed his help that I could no longer live like this. It was difficult for me to admit I no longer had control. I do believe it was the moment I began to take action to learn to love myself. I still struggling with the whole concept and I continue to work with a wonderful professional to help me see all the wonderful things I have to offer the world beside a thin body. I know this will take time and that I may have to leave the skinny girl and clothes behind. I have to admit it has been difficult.
But as the name of my post said what a difference six months can make. I hope to be able to make this statement again from a place of self acceptance and peace with who I am

Friday, October 1, 2010


I had a interesting question ask to me yesterday: Kathi, Why do you continue to punish yourself? My mouth fell to the floor in shock. I couldn’t believe that this was something I could possibly be doing to myself. Ever since being asked the question it has been on my mind. So I decided to look up the meaning of punish
verb \ˈpə-nish\
Definition of PUNISH
transitive verb
a : to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation b : to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation
a : to deal with roughly or harshly b : to inflict injury on : hurt
intransitive verb
: to inflict punishment
— pun·ish·abil·i·ty\ˌpə-nish-ə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
— pun·ish·able\ˈpə-nish-ə-bəl\ adjective
— pun·ish·er noun

Was I really punishing myself? And the hardest question yet was why? I have yet to come up with the answer but I do want to find it. I do believe that once this question is answered I can finally begin to have peace with who I am.