Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What a difference six months can make

It was hard for me to look at these picture together. The girl above was working out several hours a day and eating pretty much chicken, fish, oatmeal, eggs, protein powder, broccoli and green beans. She was desperate to become what she thought she needed to be.
And I see this women today. Still searching for her happy place. She has yet to have peace with her body. I write this blog today for myself to help me find some peace. Part of me knows the "skinny" girl was not at a peacful place. But I have to admit I loved how my clothes fit and that you could see all the wonderful definition I have work so hard to see. I did not like how thin my face became and how all the veins where popping out of my body. I just didn't feel femine. Aren't women suppose to have curves? It is ok to have bigger thighs, legs and a butt? Is that what my womanly body is? I continue to struggle with what I see in the mirror I long to fit into all the wonderful clothes I once wore with pride. I am not sure that I want to work so hard to keep that. The skinny girl had to work out alot which caused her to shelter herself from the people she loved. She no longer went out or got together with people. It was all about working out and keep a strict diet then. She was usually physically exhausted to really enjoy much of anything.
I remember the day I hit rock bottom. I had come of a huge bingesand was in my room sobbing alone. I decided to reach out to the one person that I knew loved me the most, my husband. I called to him to come to our room. I looked at him crying and told him I needed his help that I could no longer live like this. It was difficult for me to admit I no longer had control. I do believe it was the moment I began to take action to learn to love myself. I still struggling with the whole concept and I continue to work with a wonderful professional to help me see all the wonderful things I have to offer the world beside a thin body. I know this will take time and that I may have to leave the skinny girl and clothes behind. I have to admit it has been difficult.
But as the name of my post said what a difference six months can make. I hope to be able to make this statement again from a place of self acceptance and peace with who I am

1 comment:

Brit-Man said...

Kathi, you can still be proud, because you have worked hard to create something more beautiful, by letting yourself become more beautiful on the inside, so you've grown and blossomed so much as a Lady and improved the life you have and the wellbeing you have.

Be proud and don't ever try to hide it, becasue your story is so touching, you deserve to be look upon with great reverance and respect.

You're an amazing Lady, so don't be so hard on yourself okay.

:-) :-).

Matt