Sunday, June 27, 2010

Coming out of the FOG

I have come out of the fog and have found a new perspective and focus. It feels so freeing! I had a HUGE revelation about a week ago and it has change my whole perspective on eating, food and exercise. I can't thank my wonderful husband for being my rock and helping me see this and began to start working on it.

My thinking about food, exercise and diet is very distorted and I have finally come to realize that I no longer want to be in this cage any longer. I am reading a wonderful book that was suggest by a great friend (Thanks Kim!) Life Inside the "Thin" cage. Anyone who could classify themselves as a "Chronic dieter" may find this book eye opening as it has for me. I have also been working with a book called the Appetite Awareness so that I can begin to start listening to my body and its message to eat and to stop. I know this will is a journey and a processs but I can not tell you how at peace I am beginning to feel. I still have my struggles i.e. over indulging, feeling guilty, fasting to make up for it. But I now know this is not loving myself this is not taking care of myself. I am more than my external self I am a loving, caring and wonderful person who no longer has to be in this "thin cage" that society has made me feel I need to live in. I am ready to start living.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

"HUGE" Binge

I have thought about hiding this from not only myself but from others who can help me with yet another binge. This binge was bigger and longer than the last. I had not desire to stop it and let it continue as long as I needed it to. I know I consumed thousands of calories and now I sit here early this morning with the my thought of the "after"math.
I sit here and wonder how I move forward from this now. Do I hit the cardio equipment in attempt to get rid of some of the damage that was done. Do I do a "fast" today to not consume any more calories for today to compensate for yesterday out of control eating. Do I just move forward the best that I can.
I have decided that the "normal" and sane thing to do is to move forward the best that I can. But I still question why did it happen? After 5 months of hard dedicated work why did I fall? I guess I could try to guess all the reason and I could continue to have this negative conversation with myself but I know deep down that this will NOT empower me to move forward to achieve peace with food and fitness.
I read lots and lots of blog and some of the women seem to have some what of a help relationship with food and their bodies. I wish for that too. How do I achieve that? How do I find a health medium ground?
I trust that I will find that path on my journey. As always I look forward to the people in the blogging world for support and hope. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I have been up for hours with my thoughts. I finally came down stairs to put it on "cyber" paper and also with the hope with anyone who might read this will help me. There are so MANY wonderful bloggers out there that I read on a daily basis but never comment on. I am thinking I may want to branch out to some of these wonderful women for support.
As some of you may know I have been working with a wonderful trainer and have gotten awesome results but I am coming to realize it also comes with a price. I have been feeling not like myself for a few days and I feel like I need to listen to my body. This may not be something my trainer will agree with but for me I feel like it is right. I have been feeling very light headed and just not right.
I had a HUGE binge last night and at first I was devasted and of course I had thought in my head that I would do additional minutes of cardio to complensate today. But is that rational thinking? Is this how I want to live my life? I still feel like I can some how find a medium ground. I love how my body has changed. I continue to hope that my legs will come around but I am not sure at what price I am willing to do that. I have decided that I feel like I need to set some guide lines for myself. Not only for my sanity but for my health.

1. No more than and additional hour of cardio five days a week. I considered only doing a few days a week but I do enjoy my cardio in the morning and I feel like it set my day of right so for now I want to keep it.

2. Continue to do weight training six days a week in the afternoon. I love weight training and I know this will help me with trying to get my legs tighter and firmers. So far now I will continue doing that as well.

3. This is the big one for me and I am not sure how this will go over with my trainer but maybe we can come to a happy medium ground. I want to keep my calories between 1400-2000 calories. I still want to keep my carbs low and protein high but I want to incorporate a more wide range of foods. I miss experimenting with food. Like I said I am not sure if this will help me get firmer and tighter but I am hoping that I can find a medium ground with this.

4. I am really happy with my weight where it is right now. I would like to keep my weight between 140-145. I think this is a good weight for me and like I said over all I am happy with the way it looks.

It feels so good to write this down and find some peace. I feel like I have been obsessed and I was beginning to get really worried, especially with the way I have been feeling the last few days. It may have been a "wake up" call for me and I did not want to ignore it. There are several bloggers that I am going to write personal notes to for support. I have been waiting in the shadows too long and I know a lot of these wonderful women can be of great support to me.

I know I am going to be exhausted today since I have not gotten much sleep but I think this was a good things for me.

I want balance in my life and I know that I have to pick it! I have to find the happy medium, for ME!

Thanks to all who read this and I want to committ to blogging more because I truly have missed it!