Control, Trust and Confident

I have been aware that I like to be in control and throw the word around quite often. Today I i decided to look actually look up its meaning.

Control
1. To exercise authority or dominating influence over , direct, regulate
2. To hold in restraint, check
3. To verify or regulate (a scientific experiment) by conducting a parallel experiment or by comparing with some other standard.
4. To verify(an account, for example) by using a duplicate register for comparison.

I was so blessed to discuss my current situation with my trainer with a "dear" friend (Gale). Today I am grateful for her ability to bring to my awareness what possible be going on. I don't think I would have seen it with out her insight. After looking up the definition of "control" it is very clear to me what could be happening. I have total fear of releasing "control" of my training to my trainer. For the last 24 hours I can say that I have been comparing with other standards, by looking up stuff on the Internet and talking to others to build evidence to myself that I ""must" keep the control. How does this serve me? How can I grow and trust if I constantly want the control?
With this brought up another interesting point, trust.

Trust:
1. confidence in the integrity, ability, character and truth of a person
2. One in which confidence is placed.

I think I equate trust with fulfilling my expectations and loyalty. I believe I throw the word trust around to test if people care about me... enough. But ultimately, it isn't anyonelses responsibility to make sure all my needs are take care of . The only person in charge is me. Why would I expect others to think of me first when I can't even do that for myself? And I believe this finally boils down to confident.

Confident:
1. marked by assurance as of success
2. marked by confidence in oneself
3. very bold, persumptious

Being confident is the ultimate victory to self acceptance, self worth and overall contentment and joy in our lives. In order to truly build confidence you must take risks, and they are not always very comfortable. But isn't being a "little" uncomfortable worth it? I choose yes!!

So I choose to release my control and begin to trust the process. I am handing over this to my trainer.
In the end I will stand confident in myself because I did!

Day 1 complete!

This morning I was eager to get this diet started. I decided that my eating schedule will be 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm and 7pm. I woke up this morning and cooked up my first meal. 3 egg whites, one whole egg, 1 serving of oatmeal, 1 tsp flaxseed meal and splenda. I like cooking this all together you get a nice big bowl of oatmeal. No complaints at all with this meal. Love it!

10 am I had this. I had never had this before and I picked it up at Costco. Has 30g of Protein and it tasted quite good. I had this before we head over to a get together put on by the Truman State University Alumni for Illinois student who would be attending Truman this year. It was nice to be able to see others students, parents and also to asked the alumni some questions. We were sorry that our son was not able to attend with us. I started getting pretty hungry about 12:30 and was happy that my husband wanted to stopped by Best Buy before heading home. I was able to keep my mind off the fact that I was pretty hungry.

Came home and made up a nice big chicken salad. I cooked the chicken up in some homemade taco seasoning that I make that has not salt. I have always enjoyed this salad won't have a problem eating this either. I had a very productive after noon. I made some oatmeal cookies, and a dinner for one of our neighbors. He was kind enough to come over yesterday and help my husband with our sons car. Since he is a divorce guy living alone I thought it would be nice to make a meal. So I cooked up some oatmeal raisin cookies, pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon and rice with peas. He was surprised when I rang his door bell with dinner. Sure hope he enjoys it!! I loved doing it so it was no big deal to me. Hubby and I went to the store and got grocery for the week and when we got back it was time for meal number #4.

My girlfriend called and we caught up on things and before I knew it meal #5 for was here.

Since I need to have three fish meals a week I thought I would have them on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. So I cooked up some tilipia with lemon pepper seasoning in a nonstick skillet spray with cooking spray and had salad with ranch dressing.

My belly is happy and I have a few more things to do before I can rest for the evening. I was hoping to make some ice cream cookies for my son when he comes back on Tuesday. Tomorrow my day is full and I won't have time to make them so I was hoping to be able to do that tonight. I have my book group tomorrow and I need to read over the chapter and answer the question so I am prepared. I also need to make sure that all my meals are in place for me tomorrow.

So I am out of here to getting things in order. It was a great first day and I am feeling good.

I am also going to try to get hubby to take some picture tonight and hope to post them tomorrow.

Effort!

Below the picture it states, "Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second"



I saw this on Sandrelle's blog I read and I thought it was so appropriate for my journey. It was exactly what I needed to read. She also had this quote which I thought was so fitting:

"To experience real growth, you need to push yourself to the edge -- without going over. It's stretching yourself a bit further than you're used to, just past the point of comfort and into the wide-open space of the unknown. Nerve wracking? A little. Worth it? Absolutely. Because only then will you discover what your body and your spirit are truly capable of ... And if is more than you had ever dreamed." Fitness magazine 2003

I can't thank her enough for posting it. I will refer to this quote often. We just got back from eating and I am SO full and a little bloated but I think it put me in a good mind set for tomorrow. We ran to the store and got my seven gallon of distilled water so I am ready to go. It feels good to have a plan and have everything in place to make it happen.

I have let the people know what I am doing so that will have the support I to get through this. I plan on doing this plan as any figure competitor would who gets ready to do a show. 12 weeks!

Last Fling!!

I got up this morning had my eggs and decided to go over to the farmers market before my training session. I picked up lettuce, green beans, raspberries, blueberries, tomatoes and dill garlic pickles.
I was a little nervous about my training session today but I felt like it went well. I am use to him doing a lot of talking and we didn't do much of that which was fine by me. I am there to train not talk. I felt good about it. I received the diet that I will be living on. So I decided today will be the "last fling" I feel like I need to get my mind right going into. If this is what I truly want I have to prove it by doing it.
I went to Costco and got my supplies and all I have to do is get 7 gallons of distilled water.

This is how the diet will go:

Meal 1: 4 eggs whites and one yolk
1 serving of oatmeal with tsp of flax
Meal 2: 35g protein shake
Meal 3: 5 ounces of chicken
romaine lettuce with ranch dressing
Meal 4: 35g protein shake
Meal 5: 6 ounces of chicken
romaine lettuce with ranch dressing

multi vitamin 2-3 times a day
one gallon of distilled water each day
3 times a week Meal 5 will be changed to fish
Do exactly as written and no cheats

This is the plan. I have to get my mind in the game. I have to prove that I am in the game and that will be shown by how well I hold my end of the bargain.
I have had quite a few treats today and I am going to have hubby take me dinner tonight and maybe a ice cream cone. I just need to clear everything out of my mind. I don't have to start really until Monday but I think I will start tomorrow.
I will need TONS of support and I am plan on writing very truthfully how I am feeling each and every day. It will be good to look back on and keep me motivated to keep pushing forward. Not everyone can do what I am attempting to do if I can make it through this one I can say I truly made it! I am excited and nervous at the same time. I have conquered so much already this will just be the icing on the cake.
I plan on taking pictures tomorrow so I can show my starting point. Weight may be up tomorrow but I am OK with that. Because it is down from there!
Thank to everyone in advance for supporting through this final leg of my journey.

New Journey!

Although my trainer has not given me the diet that I am going to follow I thought I would start converting over. I have followed his diet in the past and I pretty much know how it going to go. I got up early so that I could get my eating schedule in place: 6 am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm. I started off with a protein shake made with Pro Complex and 8 ounces of Almond Breeze.

I decided that I would tackle cleaning out the refrigerator and begin preparing for my new eating plan. So I tossed things that needed to be tossed and things that I knew that I would not be eating any time soon and no one else in house would either. The refrigerator looks sparkly clean and it was way over due. 900 am came before I knew it and I cook up myself one egg and 4 whites along with a medium apple.

Time seem to fly today and before I knew it 1200 was here and I was ready for meal three. I reheated the last of the salmon that I had last night with some fresh green beans I picked up from the farmers market yesterday topped with a little Molly Mcbutter. I doubt that this will be something that will be allowed on the new program but I did enjoy it today. Met my friend, Diane, over at the gym and we trained chest, shoulders and triceps. We had a great work out and it was nice getting caught up on things. After the work out I had a Whey protein Nectar shake and I hit the elliptical for 30 minutes of cardio. My client cancelled tonight so I was able to head home early.

Dinner tonight was a taco chicken salad on green lettuce that I had picked up at the farmers market along with 2 tablespoon of ranch dressing. I have to admit I really have missed meat and it was nice to having it again. I snacked on a few dill pickles and will have another protein shake at 900.

Today was a good way to get back in the game. I am not official in the game until Monday but the scale was up a few pounds and I want to make sure I am at least 152 at the gym going into Monday. I was 154 today. I believe that goal we are shooting for is 135 or so.

I saw my trainer at the gym today and it felt slightly weird from our conversation yesterday. We didn't say much to each other and it made me feel real uneasy. This could just be the fact that I am not use to addressing my need and desires and worried that he will hold it against me or retaliate in some way. I know that should weird but that is how I feel. I train with the group tomorrow and I am slightly nervous to see how I will be treated. I know that if I feel anyway mistreated or singled out I need to stick up for myself and say that it is not appropriate. I guess I will cross that bridge if it happens. I need to continue to remind myself, although he is a great trainer and well know he is NOT the only trainer. And I deserve to be treated with respect and if I don't feel that way and can not get resolution that I have to the right and should leave.

I am not the same person I was a few month ago and I feel strong in what I need to do for me if it comes down to it! I deserve the best and look forward to this new journey to the finish line!

Relief!!

I was a total wreck going into my meeting with my trainer today but it seemed to get much easier as the conversation went along. I am so RELIEVED! And proud of the stance I took on my own behalf. I ended up ordering a roasted veggie sandwich and eating half during our meeting and then the rest when I returned home. I wanted to eat everything in sight to reduce the all the feeling that were going inside of me. Although I may have eaten more I was able to pick all the right thing. Grapes, nuts and raisins.

Look very closely at my dinner tonight... Do you see anything different? If you guess the salmon on my plate you are correct. We had a very heart to heart talked today at lunch and I had to very specific on what I wanted. I want more definition, look like I could compete and I just want to see all my hard work in the gym displayed in front of me to see. That will take dedication and I believe I am ready to take that last step in my journey.

I respect my trainer he has trained many that have competed and won he does know what he is doing and I have to trust him and give my training and diet over to him if this is what I truly say that I want. I do, I truly do and that will include meat protein into my diet and I am OK with that. So tonight I began reintroducing meat into my diet. Tonight I had some Salmon Roulette for dinner.

A side of steamed broccoli with Molly McButter

and it was finished off with some whole wheat couscous. A great and satisfying dinner and I am quite full and content both emotional and physically.

This was a very rewarding day for me in a lot of way and for that I am proud. I have moved from a place of not being able to tell people what I need to having the confidence to say it. I felt like I was honest and direct and that he both heard me and respect what I was saying. Now the true test will be iin how he will react from here. Will I see more dedication on his part? I owe him the benefit of the doubt.

He will be writing my program and giving it to me on Saturday. I will begin on Monday with a new dedication to finish up this journey I have been traveling! The diet, weighing and training all will begin to make that happen. I can't say that from here on out that my food will be so exciting to see but if you want to come along for the last part of my journey your more than welcome to come along for the ride. I plan on taking pictures and posting them to document the beginning of the end! I am both excited and terrified because I have been on this diet before it is not exciting and can be difficult but I believe I have had a nice four month rest and ready to do it!

Day of Risk!

I worried going to bed last night that I would have difficulty sleeping with the big day of risk ahead of me. But I wa quite surprised that I slept quite well. I had considered oatmeal this morning but ultimately decided on a omelet. I wasn't sure what kind of choices I would have at lunch today and thought I would keep reserve my carbs for that just in case.

I had four egg whites, one egg, spinach, sun-dried tomatoe and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yummy! A nice size omelet and quite fillings.

I continue to remind myself that with self growth must come risk and risk is not fun but worth it in the end. I will feel happy for it in the end.