I realized today on my walk outdoors (the weather is almost 50) that I have a lot of stuff going on in my mind and thought the best way is to get them all out to see. This post is not filled with facts but only the inner thought of my mind.
As many of you have followed my blog know of my journey. But at this point in my life I have to admit I am just plan old tired. Tired of the constant worries of what and what not to eat, how long and how hard to do cardio and how heavy and how many reps to lift. I am simply just plan tired. I am tired of pushing myself which in return has only in some ways pulled me even further away from a sense of peace in my life. I am ready for peace, content and joy. I think at some point on my journey my focus when wrong. At some point it became no longer about Kathi. I am ready now to love Kathi and that may be softer, larger , smaller..etc... I don't know and this point I am starting to only strive for a sense of peace. A peace that I am ok at this very moment because I am exactly has god intended me to be.
Another struggle I have been facing is finding a way to financial help my family. I am currently in a job that provides very little joy for me and part of me realize it but feels like there is no way out. Since my husband lost his job almost three years ago life definately has changed and not all for the worse. But it has also brought about additional stresses on our relationship. My husband had to take a job that wasn't ultimately a job that he loves but took it in order to help support his family. With this job he only is home three days out of the week. Although I consider myself a very independent women it does take its toll. I know that I have SO much to offer and share from my experiences and the passions that I have but the big question I continue to fall back on is how can I make a living at it? Its frustrating and I feel frozen. I realize that is not the type a person I am, I am doer but why does this one seem so much more difficult? I continue to brainstorm with Abby, my wellness coach and she has been a tremendous sense of support for me. But ultimately I have to be the one to do the work. I am so ready to live a full filled life and that will include doing some thing that I love. I have decided that I will keep my nursing license current and active and I do hope that some facility may considering hiring at some point. Little did I know that the fall I experience almost eight years ago would have such a impact on a career that I enjoyed.
I also want to increase my social support. I have a few wonderful and dear friend and I am grateful for them in my life but I feel like I have limited myself from others that could provide some much additional joy into my life. I have given great thought to starting a meet up group in my area for vegans. I want it to be called vegan 101 and it would be for new vegan or people considering the life style or just interested in learning more about it. If any one has any thought or idea on this I would love to hear them.
It feels good to have written just this small portion of what is going on in my mind. If doing this bring a small sense of peace for me it was well worth writing.