Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Rambling Thoughts

I realized today on my walk outdoors (the weather is almost 50) that I have a lot of stuff going on in my mind and thought the best way is to get them all out to see. This post is not filled with facts but only the inner thought of my mind.

As many of you have followed my blog know of my journey. But at this point in my life I have to admit I am just plan old tired. Tired of the constant worries of what and what not to eat, how long and how hard to do cardio and how heavy and how many reps to lift. I am simply just plan tired. I am tired of pushing myself which in return has only in some ways pulled me even further away from a sense of peace in my life. I am ready for peace, content and joy. I think at some point on my journey my focus when wrong. At some point it became no longer about Kathi. I am ready now to love Kathi and that may be softer, larger , smaller..etc... I don't know and this point I am starting to only strive for a sense of peace. A peace that I am ok at this very moment because I am exactly has god intended me to be.

Another struggle I have been facing is finding a way to financial help my family. I am currently in a job that provides very little joy for me and part of me realize it but feels like there is no way out. Since my husband lost his job almost three years ago life definately has changed and not all for the worse. But it has also brought about additional stresses on our relationship. My husband had to take a job that wasn't ultimately a job that he loves but took it in order to help support his family. With this job he only is home three days out of the week. Although I consider myself a very independent women it does take its toll. I know that I have SO much to offer and share from my experiences and the passions that I have but the big question I continue to fall back on is how can I make a living at it? Its frustrating and I feel frozen. I realize that is not the type a person I am, I am doer but why does this one seem so much more difficult? I continue to brainstorm with Abby, my wellness coach and she has been a tremendous sense of support for me. But ultimately I have to be the one to do the work. I am so ready to live a full filled life and that will include doing some thing that I love. I have decided that I will keep my nursing license current and active and I do hope that some facility may considering hiring at some point. Little did I know that the fall I experience almost eight years ago would have such a impact on a career that I enjoyed.

I also want to increase my social support. I have a few wonderful and dear friend and I am grateful for them in my life but I feel like I have limited myself from others that could provide some much additional joy into my life. I have given great thought to starting a meet up group in my area for vegans. I want it to be called vegan 101 and it would be for new vegan or people considering the life style or just interested in learning more about it. If any one has any thought or idea on this I would love to hear them.

It feels good to have written just this small portion of what is going on in my mind. If doing this bring a small sense of peace for me it was well worth writing.


Brit-Man said...

You know, you are so much of person right now Kathi.

There's a lot to be glad about, a lot to smile about and a lot to be proud of. You have a great deal of character, personality and heart.

You are somebody that can use these qualities to better shape your life, simply by understanding to what extent they exist within you and then working out how best they can benefit you.

You shouldn't need to worry about how you exercise or how you eat, because good things like that, should be just that, good.

Some might argue you're a restless spirit that may never settle, but I don't believe that. I think you had a purpose to it all some years ago, which is now largely not a big motivator in your life, because you're not that person anymore, you've come a long way and to see the picture of you some years back, you look almost unrecognisable from that well proportioned person you used to be.

That primary focus has now largely gone, because the aim is pretty much achieved, so it seems like you're now looking for some other physical / wellness aim, to fill the gap or void as you will.

You should better understand your physical limits and abilities now and be able to find out what is best for you.

It might be that you try certain things and just don't stick at them, because you chop and change too much, fearing what you started doing was wrong for some reason and being too quick to want or instigate change.

If you had a routine that was workable for several weeks, it would make things easier, then if you had the faith in yourself to use your good judgement, commit to something and believe it was the right choice, then you wouldn't be wanting to change it so much.

However when doing something you intend to stick to, give it a clear definition, instead of just saying becasue it feels right or I think it will be good to do. Do it for a really solid reason, like you want more staimina or lose a bit for fat or build yourself up a bit more, give it a cast iron reason, not one that you doubt a few weeks later.

I thought I wanted x or y, but I'm not sure now, now I don't know if what I'm doing is right or not.

Having a clear cut reason and the belief in your own ability and judgement, wil help you take the right option(s), to make the goal achieveable, because you'll have a positive outlook on what you're doing.

Hopefully that all makes sense.

You've come such a long way Kathi and you are a truly inspiring Lady and you should never have to doubt the worth of it, or the impact it has on others.

You deserve to be very, very proud of yourself and you are still trying to learn more, try new ways ot progress or change and you should be giving yourself a pat on the back, for not saying "this is the new me now, I'm here", then potentially giving less effort and going backwards progress wise.

So you need to just be clear on your goal(s) and clear on the way(s) forward and then trust your own ability and judgement in making what you want happen.

You CAN do this, because you're an amazing person.

So keep smiling and try not to worry about your work / life situation right now. You've got a good strong marriage and a good homelife, which is more than many have got, so look for the positives more and maybe some of the negatives will seem like nothing.

GOOD LUCK and best wishes.

:-) :-).


Abby said...

Kathi- I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your journey with us in a very open and honest way. I am inspired by you and know that you will find that inner peace. Keep on writing.