Gone Vegan

Yes you have read that correctly. This meat eating girl has gone to the other side so to speak! I have been SO inspired by several vegan bloggers that I have decided to give it a try. I have struggled to find peace with myself and I had to look hard and deeper for what it is "I" want to do with my eating. Not what everyone thinks that I should do. I reflected back and when I was eating the vegetarian diet a while back I felt like I looked and felt my best so at that moment it was decided.
I went vegetarian again back in August and haven't eaten meat since. I have to admit I do not miss it one bit. The vegan part start in January. Before that it was usually egg and cheese that I had in my diet. They seemed to be the most difficult to give up. But I have found the vegan cheese to help satisfy that.
I also have done a lot of reading on factory farming and the horrible conditions they animals have to endure just so that I can eat them. It weighed heavy on my heart especially when I really didn't need to eat them to survive. So it was decided then and there that I did not want to pretend any more that it wasn't happening I was ready to act. I have to say it gives me some small sense of peace knowing that I am making a small impact on that.
I have so much wonderful things to share about my journey on this vegan lifestyle and I hope to be able to share that with you in the next few post. I often get asked what do you eat and how do you get protein. By what I have been reading these are typical question most vegans are asked.
I look forward to sharing this journey with you and maybe even convince some of you to give it a try! Ok I am wish right?

Emotions

Emotions that I try so hard to keep in check at all times came flooding out of me today with out a warning. I was frightened by them and was unprepared how to handle them. I have always had difficulty reaching out to anyone and telling them how I truly felt. Today I called someone. Not a friend or family but some one I knew could help me acknowledge what I was feeling. I held the phone in my hand for a long time before I made the call but I did.
I know that I have put on quite a bit of weight and have extreme difficulty excepting that but yet I do not want to be defined by a number. So I continue to stay away from the scale. Is it good or bad I don't know but I do not want to react with extreme diet measures that is NOT how I want to live my life. I have to admit I am frustrated. So I sit with my thoughts which is difficult .

Unexpected Vistor

I had unexpected vistor visited me yesterday. She had not come a round in a very long time, 8 month to be exact. I had mixed emotions about her arrival and I was suprised what her visit evoked in me.

She left as I strived to become something I thought I needed to be. She left with no explanation and I was confused about her departure. I never truly thought about it and what it really meant by her sudden disappearance. She symbolized a healthy body. Not a body that began to shut down normal function because of it low body fat status. She was much smarter than I gave her credit for. She sensed famine and knew there was no way that she could support it. So she left not to return for a long time, waiting in the shadows for a healthier time.

I have work hard to try to become a healthy me and she must have also sensed that I have made great strides in achieving that because she returned in all her glory. Have I missed her? I not like this...

Off for the midol and heating pad....

What a difference six months can make

It was hard for me to look at these picture together. The girl above was working out several hours a day and eating pretty much chicken, fish, oatmeal, eggs, protein powder, broccoli and green beans. She was desperate to become what she thought she needed to be.

And I see this women today. Still searching for her happy place. She has yet to have peace with her body. I write this blog today for myself to help me find some peace. Part of me knows the "skinny" girl was not at a peacful place. But I have to admit I loved how my clothes fit and that you could see all the wonderful definition I have work so hard to see. I did not like how thin my face became and how all the veins where popping out of my body. I just didn't feel femine. Aren't women suppose to have curves? It is ok to have bigger thighs, legs and a butt? Is that what my womanly body is? I continue to struggle with what I see in the mirror I long to fit into all the wonderful clothes I once wore with pride. I am not sure that I want to work so hard to keep that. The skinny girl had to work out alot which caused her to shelter herself from the people she loved. She no longer went out or got together with people. It was all about working out and keep a strict diet then. She was usually physically exhausted to really enjoy much of anything.

I remember the day I hit rock bottom. I had come of a huge bingesand was in my room sobbing alone. I decided to reach out to the one person that I knew loved me the most, my husband. I called to him to come to our room. I looked at him crying and told him I needed his help that I could no longer live like this. It was difficult for me to admit I no longer had control. I do believe it was the moment I began to take action to learn to love myself. I still struggling with the whole concept and I continue to work with a wonderful professional to help me see all the wonderful things I have to offer the world beside a thin body. I know this will take time and that I may have to leave the skinny girl and clothes behind. I have to admit it has been difficult.

But as the name of my post said what a difference six months can make. I hope to be able to make this statement again from a place of self acceptance and peace with who I am

Punish

I had a interesting question ask to me yesterday: Kathi, Why do you continue to punish yourself? My mouth fell to the floor in shock. I couldn’t believe that this was something I could possibly be doing to myself. Ever since being asked the question it has been on my mind. So I decided to look up the meaning of punish
pun·ish
verb \ˈpə-nish\
Definition of PUNISH
transitive verb
1
a : to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation b : to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation
2
a : to deal with roughly or harshly b : to inflict injury on : hurt
intransitive verb
: to inflict punishment
— pun·ish·abil·i·ty\ˌpə-nish-ə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
— pun·ish·able\ˈpə-nish-ə-bəl\ adjective
— pun·ish·er noun

Was I really punishing myself? And the hardest question yet was why? I have yet to come up with the answer but I do want to find it. I do believe that once this question is answered I can finally begin to have peace with who I am.

5K?

I have been giving much thought to attempting a 5K. I volunteered to help at a 5K event this past weekend. This was my first experience even witnessing one up front and personal. It was so interesting to see all the different types of runners and I am sure they all had different reason for running the event. It gave me a weird desire to attempt one.
I have never been a runner and never had much desire to do so. Cardio was cardio and that is all it has been for me. But could it be something different?
Many of you may not know my story and I am hoping to tell it soon on my blog along with photos. Anyway... about five years ago I had a normal fall on the ice with devastating results. I feel and broke my patella(kneecap). I never ever thought it a millions years that I would be able to run on it. I have done interval training most of the time not pushing the knee to much. But the last few days I have been attempting to run on it. I have not yet attempt pavement and not sure how the knee will do with that. I have been running on the treadmill and am working toward being able to do a 5K on the treadmill with out stopping. I also plan on attempting to run on the pavement. I am considering doing this Saturday. I have been wearing my knee brace for the longer amounts of time running with out stopping and that seems to be helping a lot.
So this week I am attempting to run 1.5 miles with out stopping three times this week. I made my first attempt on Tuesday and it went well. I was able to set the pace on the treadmill for a 10 minute mile and was able to complete it in a little over 15 minutes. Was it easy? Oh heck no several times during the run I wanted to stop and tell myself that I couldn't do it but I keep at it and felt good when I complete it.
So the my ultimate goal: to run a 5K without stopping in under 30 minutes. But I must be patient and kind to myself and take it slow and easy and see how the knee does. There is a 5K that my son's girlfriend is organizing and I thought that might be a great thing to shoot for. It will be held some time in the spring so I have plenty of time to work on it.
Have any of you done a 5K? How was it? How did you prepare for it? I am eager to hear from you .

Changed?

I continued to be inspired so many blogs and they continue to bring me back to the same old question: Change. I would like to say that I have changed and that all my bad habits and attitudes are a distant memory but I would only be fooling myself.
Food continues to control me and my exercise habit take priority above almost anything. I feel like I am on the roller coaster that keeps me spinning and I always return to the same spot.
It saddens me to think that at the age of 45 that I have yet to discover what so many others have: Self love and acceptance.
I say that I want it but I some time avoid like the plague. What would happen if I truly accepted and loved myself? What would my time be spent doing if I could not obsess about my weight and what I choose to put into my body?
I continue to read blog that inspire me and I hope will help me continue to keep fighting. Fighting for acceptance, love and peace.